Mrs. Pastor’s Wife Shoplifter Ma’am

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As promised, I have MUCH to report to you all in the happenings of our lil’ ol’ bitty lives here in our lil’ ol’ bitty neck of the woods.

First of all, just to get this out of the way for those of you that are interested, I used our Teladoc doctor’s service the other day for the first time.  I have to say, I am SUPER impressed.  Why didn’t I have an online doctor before? The Lord Jesus only knows.

Second of all, I officially shoplifted for the first time in my life.  Yup.  Only took me 37 years to get ‘er done, but I done did get her did done.  Or… something like that.

It started off all innocent like.  Then turned into total evil intent…. I shoplifted an 87 cent King Quencher fountain drink from a convenience store.

What can I say?  I go big or I go home… with nothing big at all.

And, okay, there was no evil intent.  It was purely an accident.  I saw the fountain drinks were 87 cents, filled up a cup and then walked out to the RV to tell my family that the fountain drinks were 87 cents and they all went inside to each get one.  BUT.  They paid for theirs.  (Such goody-goodies. *rolls eyes*)

Then, just as we were getting ready to pull our big rig out of the parking lot while I was meticulously entering in our drink purchases into our budget app (because I can’t NOT enter five 87 cent fountain drinks into our budget, as that would send us spiraling into debt we could neverrecover from), I couldn’t find the receipt that had MY fountain drink on it.

And that’s when I realized I was a shoplifter.

Just call me Mrs. Pastor’s Wife Shoplifter Ma’am next time you see me, cause that’s my new underworld name.

(Oh, and I went back in and paid for my 87 cent shoplifting spree.)

(And told the cashier I had shoplifted.)

(I’m surprised the cops weren’t called.)

(Which was cool because my getaway car was, uh, kinda big and slow.)

Oh!  Did I tell y’all that I drove our getaway car for the first time the other day?  I did!  I finally drove Harvey the Arvey (yes, we’re sticking with that name; don’t hate).

My daughter felt the need to document her face while I was driving it.

Let the record show I only drove it 1 tenth of a mile.  Yes, that’s right.  ONE TENTH of a mile.   In our Assembly of God state campgrounds as we were leaving Family Camp.  So I had open back roads and totally good prayer coverage.

I did awesome.

Speaking of awesome!  Several weeks ago my son had an early morning orthodontist appointment clear across town.  I was going to a different orthodontist to get a second opinion on the price of braces.  Because mama doesn’t have $6200 for braces for my oldest child to get an overbite corrected and because I love going to they-won’t-quote-me-a-price-over-the-phone doctor’s appointments clear across town at 8am causing me to get up at 7am.

And yes, that’s considered early morning for me.

SooOOooOOoo, I got up at the crack of dawn (see previous statement) (I’m pretty sure I heard a rooster crow) and threw my unwashed hair up in a pony tail, sported my day-old, smudged-from-the-pillow mascara, and wore my t-shirt that I slept in (don’t worry, I stopped to put on pants) and drove my son to his appointment where we learned that THEY were only going to charge me $6300 to correct his overbite.

Needless to say, we left immediately.  I think they may have even contemplated escorting the smudged-mascara crazy lady off the premises when they heard we weren’t going to dish out more money than my wedding cost.  All the while, I lovingly broke the news to my son that when he becomes an adult he could buy his own braces to correct an overbite that doesn’t bother him at all.

Then we drove straight to Chick-fil-A for breakfast (I had free breakfast coupons, so as not to contradict my we-aren’t-paying-for-your-braces money speech) and then headed home after that.  That was right about the point that my son looked over at me from the passenger seat and nonchalantly said, “Mom? Your shirts on inside out.”

And, boy was it.  It wasn’t a hmmm-maybe-no-one-could-tell kind of inside out, it was a this-is-so-obvious, seam-showing, tag-flapping-in-the-wind kind of inside out.

That’s when I officially wrote off early morning, second-opinion, $6300-braces-quoting-orthodontist-appointments for good.

But we sure did belly laugh over my shirt being inside out.

(If you think that’s as funny as we did, you should read about the time I wore my pants backwards to the chiropractor.)

In less weird news, my friend Tami and I sent our friend Carrie a box of sunshine!  (Sadly, her mom had passed away.)

I don’t know who had more fun… me and Tami coming up with the box, or Carrie receiving the box?  If you’ve never sent some sunshine to a friend who needed it, you totally should.  Does a heart good; for both of you!

Everything in it is bright yellow and, gosh, it makes you happy just looking at all that yellow, doesn’t it? (The rise & shine mug has bright yellow inside of it — super cute!)

I did a stakeout outside of Carrie’s house so as not to be detected at the surprise drop-off of said box of sunshine. But not before I picked up some coffee and donuts to make it look for realsies. Then I forced my daughter to go ding-dong-ditch it on the door step for me.

I make my children do my dirty work.  While I enjoy coffee and donuts in the car.  And come up with underworld names like Mrs. Pastor’s Wife Shoplifter Ma’am.  Besides, she looks way cuter running.

Speaking of coffee and donuts, I went to an AWESOME wedding a few weeks ago.  (Actually, I went to two awesome weddings in the last few weeks.  I’ll get the second one in a minute.)  Check out what was on the dessert table at the first wedding:

“I love you more than Donuts” and “I love you more than Coffee.”  Clearly this marriage is going to make it.  CLEARLY.

Then, at the second wedding, which was in Wisconsin, guess what they brought around to everyone during dinner?

I. LOVED. THIS. SO. MUCH!  I mean, if you’re in Wisconsin, you HAVE to drink milk.  What a cute touch to a wonderful Wisconsin wedding.

In totally unrelated news, should I be worried that my kids have “pot money?”  Cause they do….

Cracked me straight up when I walked into the kitchen and saw “pot money” hanging on our bulletin board.  Those pastor’s kids are either blatantly walking down the wrong path of life, or they are completely clueless as to what pot is.  And I’m relieved to say that in our case, it was the latter.

My kids have a lawn business and Lazy Dad has taught them to take some of their earnings and put it “in a pot” for supplies that they need to purchase (gas, trimmer line, etc.).  So, that’s what they did!  HA!

Now that we narrowly avoided an awkward pastor’s family moment… I’d like to demonstrate to you how my 12 year old has hung up hand towels for the last few years:

No hand towel is safe.  I’ve found the kitchen hand towels in the same twisted-up positions.  But hey! Even though they never dry that way, at least they aren’t on the floor!  #winning!

Speaking of winning.  Let me show you what is for my children’s dinner tonight:

Yup.  I’ve sunk to a new low in providing my children with healthy meals that will balance their gut flora and boost their immune systems, but I can explain….

We’ve had our house up for sale again, and it never fails that people want to come and look at your house right around meal times.  And, well, who wants to cook and mess up a clean kitchen and stink up your house with foods that inevitably will not appeal to that particular client on that particular evening right before they come to your house to potentially buy it?

Needless to say, we’ve been eating out quite a bit.  (Possibly also why we can’t afford my son’s $6300 braces.) ($6300!!!) Soooooo, in anticipation of our thirty-thousandth house showing tonight, I decided to go buy cheap frozen dinners that can all be thrown away, thus not making dirty dishes to be cleaned right before a showing, AND, save some money on our forced-to-eat-out bill.

Besides, these “double meat” meals are an “excellent source of protein.” So there. *stiffles a laugh*

And that’s the news, folks!

Love and cheap Banquet meals for all,
The Lazy Mom

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